Building a Life Around Grief

I believe, my continuous journey helps me in my role as a Telephone Supporter with HUGG. It allows me to demonstrate that building a life around grief is possible, something I didn’t believe was possible back in 1996 and 2000 when my brothers died.

When my brothers Billy (21), and Wayne (15) ended their lives four years apart, I felt like they ended mine too. But being the eldest daughter in a family of 6 siblings created a sense of responsibility to protect and understand, make sense of my brother’s deaths, and search for this ‘thing’ people spoke of called Hope.

At first, it was travelling and getting to see the world. Some may say I was ‘chasing ghosts’, but I believe it gave me a tiny sense of who I was, as this was something I had totally lost sight of. I climbed mountains for charity, Kilimanjaro and the summit of Kala Patthar on Mount Everest – carrying my brothers with my every step. Education also played a huge role, I went back to ‘school’ and hurtled myself into a psychology degree in my 40s. I qualified as a Mental Health practitioner with the NHS, whilst volunteering as a group facilitator for a UK version of HUGG. I’ve gone down so many avenues, most of which have offered ways to cope with losing my siblings and in turn, have led to embracing hope. 

Over the years, as an individual and as a family, we have adapted new ways of experiencing significant dates such as Christmas. At the start, we just coped – this consisted of merely getting through the day itself and learning that it was OK to refuse invitations, have a cry or take some time out away from others. These initial coping strategies were so vital and have gone on to form the way in which my family and I mark and celebrate Christmas now.

We didn’t have nephews and nieces when my brothers died, so naturally, children can bring a lighter element to this time of year; grasp this tight as it can be truly helpful. More often than not, we have veered away from conventional and typical traditions, like not eating turkey, staying in a hotel, or getting away to the sun, for instance. These may not seem like massive changes, but they are changes that have helped. I have learnt that change happens slowly, and that’s OK. I have also learned that it’s OK actually to enjoy some of the celebrations, to smile, to laugh, even dance. It’s important to remember that, in time, you will form your own new way of being.

It hasn’t been an easy journey by any means, but it’s been one that has created a newer version of me, and I quite like her. Whilst I can’t bring Billy and Wayne back, I can share what’s helped me and offer a small glimmer of hope to others who find themselves travelling this road, too.

Finally, if I could offer some words of hope, it would be “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you’re doing the impossible” (anon).

Go gently 

Sheila x